Ied Mubarak and a little disaster

Thank god, we meet another ied and another year flied by.... Its time to reflect on the mistakes, repent and ask for forgiveness. I wish it could be more solemn than this.. the peaceful moments are kindda gone.

There's a little disaster in this year's celebration, in my celebration actually. I burnt my hand from frying food, the hot oil was kindda burst out from the pan. Geez! I was freaked out to death, but for a moment i thought i was alright didnt really feel the pain at that second. Actually some of that hot oil landed on my right hand, it was terribly burnt and i was panic! at the kitchen [lol]. What made me upset was at the moment they heard the "explosion" and my and Lisa's scream, my step mom instantly worried about the stove and all but me. HuH!!! I guess i felt betrayed because it was her that made me did the frying at the first place and then she didnt seem to care. I was cross and ready to be a beast out of my pain...

I never feel happy of being so vulnarable but even then i cried out loud, didnt care anymore coz all i wanted to do was to wash away the pain, wishing that the tears could do that. But they couldnt, to distract my attention i went online and saw some people online. I chatted with Mic for awhile, at least i could whine hehe...


previously i called sony telling him about the incident and he said he knew something was off about me. Again, i was off guard and cried, ehm maybe i can say it was sobbing. Yeah it was that painful, undescribeable.

When my hand was better, me and some old friends went out. Gathering with old friends from elementary school was really fun, we laughed all night over things we've done. My oh my it felt like ages ago that we have met the last time..... minal aidzin walfaidzin....

constant monogamist's date

I know the title sounds so serious, i found it first then tried to create these line and i dont think i did some justice to the title. Any way this is the only poem that made me so in love, in a delirious way....

there's a day between todays and tomorrows
when our lives arrangedly clenched
with those lines that explain how world treats us
where admiration and promises are layed unconsciously
that soon we'll be more than just this distance
between here and there, so often i wonder
if there's even a slight doubt
that tomorrow's sun will shine on us
in unity....

not just the sun that shines on me shines on the moon that shines on you.

august 24th. 2007

nasty orientation day

Sunday, 10th sept 2007

i intended to come to my campus to meet my lecturer, to discuss about my thesis. It sacrificed the meeting with the school i would teach soon after the Ied Fitri. And quite confusing the way my 2nd lecturer asked questions and the stares [LOL], he really attacked me and i wasnt really prepared for that, what a bad student i am. Then i saw these people doing exercise in pretty dumb moves. It was for the orientation day of the new students, i used to be part of them , then part of the committee. Hard to say which one was better, being the new student or the committee. Both got pressure from the senior, both tiring. I prefer to be the senior, like this year.... i spent time to just watch people screamed and shouted at nothing [at people but for no reason, most of the time]. Hilarious how my seniors [even the drop-outs came for this] did the exact same things just like when i was the new student and committee. An act of fight between the senior and the committee. Then nasty how they made people did physical things [read: push ups,] literally kissed the floor.

i made some videos of this day, i think i'm gonna send them to friends.... Hehe indonesians' students orientation day........................................

chronicle of life and death

what a terrifying title indeed, but nothing to be alert. this morning Sony sent me sms askin about my feeling towards someone, whether i think he loves me or not. well its a tough [and rough?] question i suppose, cant really answer it although there's a slight [tiny mini] belief that he does or did or will HAHA, but its not at all love, just like how i feel. Love is a funny thing that Sony himself is thinking about putting it down for awhile so he can do some business on other part of life. good idea. And me? i'd love to dance in other people's shoes for awhile, forget the love life and meet hell lots of people, i know i will soon. Sipirili!!!

new people to meet

it's so nice when you every now and then cross someone else's life in such arranged or unarranged way. recently i met some people who amazingly reminded me to people i hold dear in my heart. how was my feeling? ehm quite delirious with missing the dear person and trying to catch the essence of this new person, not to then compare them completely. but mostly they only talked in the same way.

somehow i dont sense the friendship with these people i met recently, why? mostly maybe because we were there, at the same place at the same time for the reason of business. its hard then to place yourself, in what position........ its lame

feeling great in depth of silliness

When you give up on something and try to lay it low, it will eventually come to you in such a wonderful way, it happens to me. Life is great recently.... i feel hilarious-delirious in a great way. I love and miss everyone. Firman BP is here with me right now, we have nice times of culinary experiences together. We'll soon be 2fat people LOL.

fresh crispy morning....and all

welcome to the fresh crispy morning..... when life's a little bit hasty thats what i can be grateful of. early morning with sunshine on your face, nothing more gentle than the sun light that wakes you up. thats why i always open my curtain... but today the sun is so lazy and so am i for i woke up at 9 and stayed in bed until 10ish reread the cosmo mag. to then ready for the world? never ready enough.

there is one word that lingers lately, menanti a.k.a wait, i just realize how that word can juggle someone's life. makes it stuck in uncertainty or maybe the other way around, it can be an answer for everything you want. just in one word, menanti. the question then, for me, "apa yang kunanti, apa yang kutunggu?" maybe the day of tomorrow?! when the morning is started with that glowing light which enlighten the heart. one thing for sure, eh?

Shame for u

the electricity went out again yesterday and i decided to just listen to my CDs and went to Lily Allen's. then my attention stucked on this one song Shame For U. Huekekek it reminded me sooooo much about someone, unfortunately for the time being i cant make him listen to it. Ah then i bought a new CD of Daniel Sahuleka, he sings Dont Sleep Away The Night in a different way from Glenn Fredly. And i love You Make My World So Colorful, he's so romantic eh? and his voice........... its just his diction in the indonesian songs is so weird hehe, maybe because he lives abroad too long?

seize the day or die regretting

if you never heard any of Avenged Sevenfold song, you should listen to this one. Promise its such a great song, sad but also strong at the same time. Just loooove it.

"Seize The Day"

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again?
Woooaaah, so I never want to leave you and the memories of us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day [x2 then continues in the background]
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home

In your shoes

Beautiful how I hear this story
Once again thru different view
Like world doesn’t only revolve around me
Feels like I’m so near by you
I’m in your shoes now
Oh can we just simply go?
Or laying, like you wish, so low
Am willing to take this vow
To be patient with the time
To laugh with every pain
With you, I promise, I’ll be fine
I’ll dance with you under this endless rain

trip to little island

every trip always brings something you can remember, unique thing of a time somewhere far from you usually are. Interesting! I remember seeing a man on a bus, and then quoting from Cinta Brontosaurus when Dika said that when we see people they all look ordinary, man without any label of problem and misery. Perfect image you want everybody to see, hidden from all the pain.

Anyway, the trip this time was great coz it was without any fight hehe. And this time we played all the games they offered, the cart, trampolin, the tower and all. But i felt so peace when i was in the planetarium with the lights off and stars on the ceiling, with the music on I was somewhere else for few moments until some babies cried. HUH!

Look for a piece of peace, in your everyday is not a piece of cake

exhausted

My sis moved in with me a week ago, she's an older sis but i always feel like i'm babysitting her. She now works in town, my bro in law business. but its not her that makes me exhausted i guess, it was more to this constant thoughts and the torturing flood. for once in my life i didnt know where to rest, that damn flood even made me sick, still am. The only ones who care then, my best friend Sony and cousin Tari. I didnt even tell my mom.

Btw i had a bad dream last night, my tooth was off!! my aunt said its a bad sign of death. Since it was an upper tooth it meant that death of someone older, o'oh.

This circle of uncertainty

I feel like life's been so funny, entertaining and uncertain, it's good enough. Hehe last saturday night it was quite awkward for me, i spent the night with a girlfriend there's a sense of reminiscence as we shared the latest news. She accompanied me having my dinner and treated me a drink as part of her guilt for forgetting my birthday [she shouldnt have], then on the way home i thought i needed a pen. So I went to find one, but appeared that most of the stationery shops were closed. Suddenly I realized i was a girl half craving for a pen on Saturday night hehe, it was funny but for a reason of course that i need it for writing. But what sucked was that it led me to meet someone i least expected. O'oh.....

the question popped out

It’s just a week ago when Kaspar and I chatted on his birthday and we discussed about being too young to get married, but in the end we asked each other to get a spouse. He said “get yourself a husband” and yesterday the question popped out of nowhere. Question of “will you marry me?” from somebody else, not Kaspar of course. But it must be one of his jokes, that I don’t understand the reason why he even asked that. Somehow then I remember about my cousin wish for my birthday that I wouldn’t make it to my single-till-2010 resolution and reminds me to Josh who said that falling in love is such a waste of time and body. LMAO

I told 2 girls about it, Ulfa because she was happened to be online at the same time and Nova because she sent me text message asking what I got for my birthday from beloved one. They both thought it was someone from the program, they mentioned different names but it wasn’t them girls… Ulfa gave me this loonng advice while I haven’t even thought about it, Nova asked why I didn’t just be with “the name she mentioned” and I simply said he didn’t like me. Like Maniac Street Preacher says your love alone is not enough.

Being this old, thanks Menur for emphasizing on this, I now know that the beautiful feeling is not when you love someone but when you’re loved. It was there but I didn’t realize that’s what I wanted and all I had to do was putting a little effort to divert the feeling I had for somebody towards this person. But I also can’t say I made a mistake, at some point there’s something Avril would say as “it’s so beautiful, it makes you wanna cry” moment.

"Innocence"
Waking up I see that everything is OK
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
[Chorus]
This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you nowAnd I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

[Chorus]
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

This innocence is brilliant
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

lil thought

I heard from my sister about a car which fell from the 6th floor of a mall in Jakarta and I thought Gosh, God kept on increasing the reasons of death while human kept on decreasing it. Kindda freaked the shit out of you eh? At least now we have something to grateful for, here we are, like John Mayer said “before the accident” being healthy and conscious about it. For me it’s always good to know the existence of the higher power.

Been wondering lately what the future holds…. My step mom talked about me getting married the other day and I said don’t worry it’d take time till then. But what was on my mind “will I ever?” I suppose Maya has put a little contribution on this thought. It’s not a blaming statement any at all, I mean before I always had a perfect picture of a family of my own, spend the rest of my life living in a quite place with my perfect picture of a man [just like one I met on the bus] but then maybe life is more than that. I wanna see the world, meet people, gain wisdom and knowledge. I want to have a little world in my heart before I die but also not regretting that I miss a thing.

I remember when we talked about life, Kaspar said life’s a canvas go ahead and choose my own color, at this very moment it’s still confusing. I don’t even know what I want, I never knew what I wanted until it’s in front of me and I like it that way I was born as spontaneous person than a planner. The same person said [although I don’t know whether he meant it] that I would go far in life, amin. Talking about what people said about me, Sarah said I had mischievous smile, I didn’t even know the meaning and still don’t know how to spell it and did I? My oh my.


Life’s a roller coaster, sometimes it moves so fast
We loose control of our self
Sometimes it’s quite slow
We can enjoy the ride and laugh
Let me see your mischievous smile
After your breathtaking sob
Coz after awhile you’d understand
How life is ever gonna be

"Communication"

Been so into this song of the cardigans beside "carnival" which always makes me sad everytime I hear it but cant get enough of it. Kindda believe this is what i feel =P



For 27 years I’ve been trying to believe and confide in
Different people I’ve found.
Some of them got closer then others
Some wouldn’t even bother and then you came around
I didn’t really know what to call you, you didn’t know me at all
But I was happy to explain.
I never really knew how to move you
So I tried to intrude through the little holes in your vanes
And I saw youBut that’s not an invitation
That’s all I getIf this is communication
I disconnect I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t knowHow to connect, so I disconnect
You always seem to know where to find me
and I’m still here behind youIn the corner of your eye.
I’ll never really learn how the love you
But I know that I love you through the hole in the sky.
Where I see you And that’s not an invitation
That’s all I getIf this is communicationI disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know youBut I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect
Well this is an invitation It’s not a thread
If you want communication
That’s what you getI’m talking and talking
But I don’t knowHow to connect
And I hold a record for being patient
With your kind of hesitation

the unsweated small stuff

My oh my I feel delirious lately, even Sony complained about me and giving the "dont sweat small stuff" advice. I had to say It couldnt work this time, this black cloud's still here going round round in my head, so annoying. But then some quite funny also happened to me:

1. About a week ago I had another accident caused by my cardigans, it was stucked on the bike's chain and i had to watch the cardigans was torn into pieces. My friend asked what kind of stupidity it was, I said it was misfortune come and help me. I was really lucky that lots of people helped me and that the car behind me didnt hit me. Good lucks in bad luck.

2. Finally finished the KKN paper, yeah after all its merely a paper saying that I have already did what the university ask all the students to do, work with the community. One case checked!

3. Still dont undestand the way some guys think. Weirded me out sometimes, just for an example - my ex boss asked me whether i have watched Spiderman 3 I said nope and he asked whether i would watched it on saturday night. I said no, I had to work and he thought i had a date. But actually because the idea for going out to the movie on saturday night with him freaked me out, why? Because he had wife, still has. What worse was he said, in front of many people hell yeah, that he wanted me to be his 2nd wife but i wanted to be the 3rd. Haha i knew it was a joke but still, it was kind of social homicide for me.

4. I think i havent put the hilarious taste in these posts. Maybe this would be one, so days ago me and my cousin, Tari went to eat Pempek [food from Palembang] and then came an old woman, i've seen her before, askin for money. What different from this woman was that she had this wide smile, everytime, which showed her toothless gums. She was so sweet. But then what was funny, according to Tari and giggled over it, that after Tari gave her some money she started to pray for us, but it was EATING PRAYER. Well it supposed to be a prayer for our soul or safety or something, but it was it, eating prayer. While its a prayer u do for yourself haha.

5. I'm quite addicted to McD's gourmet wrap but fasting at this very moment, thank god!! Should’ve done it long before.

6. Hell I want to go home, but this Saturday job just makes me cant. And I did bad thing by skipping my teaching class, I went to this seminar about Indonesia and Iran’s nuclear and after I hung out with Kartika, CWY 2006 participant. I ended up forgot things I had to do that day, the class and returning the book to the library. We had fun though, talking about boys. Hey I’ve talked about this before. Hehe

7. I want to talk to people I cant talk to, that’s funny, coz if I could talk to then I would mention coz I already am talking to them lol.

8. My birthday is coming, don’t even realize it’s May!!! A lot of things to do and start to be out of hand………………………. And my birthday wish is for some people to be with me, people who promised would come.

Intoxicating Evenings

I feel mean for saying this poem is for Menyur after I read it over and over again, but I think you should read it Nyurr...

Is he overjoyed by the intoxicating evenings?
That he forgets about the delicate future of theirs
The not-possible-to-be-whole-anymore tomorrows
When the eves could not be repeated, just rewind in memory
Silence will sing the lullaby of a lonely lover
who falls asleep with thousands promises
written not but within his heart, sincerely
which erased gradually by thousand nights
of evil thought that she could be with someone else

So judge me Nyur hehe I am quite ready for that =) hopefully i do some justice, if not complete justice.

Feel like a Santa Klaus today, got few souvenirs for people and i love the part of going to the post office to send the package for Aji. It was quite long time since the last time i went there. And I sang Mr. Postman.

Suppose to post a poem for Menur here, but i just forgot where i wrote it... Huh! Sorry nyurrr but it was such a poem that really reminded me of you in a he point of few. Oh so determinated to look for it!!!

moment of peace

I woke up this morning and felt i have to go campus to just looking for some reference for my thesis which i couldnt get yesterday. Quite confusing, it is. Hopefully I'll gradute next year, amin amin, so when Kaspar comes I can meet him without any burden load, not anymore. I just wanna breathe easily again. Last night i reread my last year journal and some parts were hilarious, they made me giggled. and now i remember when I could breathe so easily, forgetting the ridiculous thought about someone. It was when I was in Singkawang, on the last afternoon that we spent there, BP, Ahmad and I went to the far end of the Pasir Panjang beach and found this enourmous gigantic rock. On the way back to the hotel it was almost dusk and the scenery and the everything was gorgeous and for few moment without any sound of human I felt so peace. None ever could ruin my happiness at that moment, i was being careless about feeling and all. I wanna be just like that again....

in our shoes

This might sounds so mean although I never mean to, but basically human wants to feel comfort right? And sometimes we find it when we know someone somehow feels the same as we do. I just had a fun funny chat with Menur and knew quite by surprise she felt almost the same as I did. I can’t say that then I was happy because it’s not a situation everyone wants to be in, in fact I don’t believe anyone wants to be in. Complicated feeling of not knowing what you want and what’s best for you, not able to reach a space you want nor move to another one. But what’s good is that we’re both quite a good joker and laugh all the time about our common thing. Miss you girl, I meant it when I proposed you to live with me hehehe.

my friend's words: "you spend too much time thinking about life instead of just living" ah might be true, but i love thinking about it dude.

earth, Sky and sunprint

I tiptoe with my bare feet every now and then
Not because am afraid earth would suck me
I wanna see the world from different height
Then I drop myself to the ground, another different height
Face to face with Sky and scream
Here I am you can fall on me
…..nothing happen…..
I fall asleep and wake up with
The sunprint on me

our own Pursuit of Happyness

When I said to someone “you can only be happy when you learn to laugh at your self” it didn’t mean that you had to mock yourself. It occurs to all my senses that when you laugh about everything that happens to you, even bad luck, you’re potentially a happy person. Maybe in the beginning it’d be a cynical laugh but hopefully it’ll be a sincere laugh which brings all the bad feeling away.

It’s human to be upset and grumpy about unfortunate events, like mine, or Kaspar used to say to me “why are you such a bitch today?” as I got too emotional about everything. But how long will we mourn for the bad-because-it’s-unwanted scenario? Laugh and it’ll go away.
Anyway I liked when Kaspar said “why are you such a bitch today?” because then we’d talk and I ended up fine. One day we kept in silence because he said something offending, I complained to Sony and he did either. The next day we’re already back to normal talking in the living room and when Sony saw this he said “you’re both unbelievable”. Maybe because we’re both Gemini but why couldn’t I get along with the other one? Ehmmm

Wednesday, series of unfortunate events

All happened on the last Wednesday of April, just the other week, all these bad luck if I may say so. It was started by the University program that I’ve been working on, it supposed to be done by now but the bureaucracy tried to kill me with its ultimate weapon, sucks. Dealing with the answer that it hadn’t done yet I went to internet café to update my blog and chatted with a friend, but for me, it ended up to be a bad conversation maybe because I was, somehow-unconsciously, had black cloud on my head. Then I wanted to take some money from my bank card, for going home bus fare, but the at-university ATM was “temporary unavailable” so then I headed to the bank which quite far. On the way there I hit a car while I was wondering whether the road I was going to was a one-way. I was so distracted, my mind was somewhere else because it was a stupid accident, not suppose to happen. 2nd accident happened on the way to Balikpapan, me and my cousin, Tari ended up went home with her bro in law, and omigod the driver was a racer, literally. He made the car jumped like a frog, and I bumped on the door handle, it’s just a scratch but still…we almost died twice as we almost hit other vehicles. Serem!

3rd accident, after we arrived in Balikpapan me and Tari went to eat meat balls but on the way there Tari hit an angkot [read: public vehicle], this time I already felt so unlucky so I let her ride the motorcycle. Thank the dear Lord, alhamdulillah, nothing happened to the angkot so we didn’t have to pay huhu. And guess what soon after the thing’s over policemen passed, I said to Tari we were lucky in a bad luck.

My remedy then was The Feeling’s songs…..[Danny boy don’t be afraid shake that ass and misbehave] and some wild screams but I think I’m ok except for this bruise on my leg which I didn’t realize until hours after. Quite nasty.

Btw I came across this writing that I liked from Ryan Ross,

Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath,
This is why I walk to the ocean, swim with sharks and jellyfish.
I may never get this chance again.
This is why if you want to kiss you should kiss
If you want to cry you should cry and
If you want to live you should live
You don’t have to love me. You already did

Dear my own definition of beauty

Dear my own definition of beauty,


Let me whisper to you in silent, I dreamt of you last night and among the others it’s only you I saw. Even in the world of unconsciousness you mesmerized me, of how real this dream could be. Let me whisper to you in your sleep and let you dream of me, because this is the best way to tell you how I feel without being unrealistic or hurting you. You might not be the last one in this lifetime quest but you’re the one I treasure the most in the way you touch my soul. And dear if I had no courage to say this and you wonder, listen to me in a lonely night of yours and you’ll hear what I whisper to you in silent. There’s no word for it, not even love.

Pulau Kumala [Kumala Island]

What a small picture it is, but see the writting above me and my family "Pulau Kumala" which means Kumala Island. I'm promoting it since i think quite a lot people are interested in visiting me, or actually seeing me at least Sony and Herry do. Pulau Kumala is located in Tenggarong, Kutai Kertanegara, a regency near by Samarinda the capital of East Kalimantan province.

This island lies in the middle of Mahakam river, pretty interesting although not well managed yet. There are several games you can play, but sometimes it's underconstruction or something. My fave is the BomBom Car, the mini go cart, even last year i played 2 rounds with my sis and bro without being ashamed that most of the player was kids hehehe.

Other nice thing is the transportation you take to cross to this island, there are two options. 1. Kereta Gantung, what is it in english??? Hanging train??Haha.... i forget the name. then 2. By boats, which i love better but also i like the option #1 since i then can see my freaked out step mom hehehe. Anyway i'm planning to go to Pulau Kumala soon in the future with Belu and cousins so maybe i can tell what's new about it.

on the spot poem from Maya

met you on an august day
swimming in your silly coat and hat
and smile
knew I´d be blessed to have you as a friend
didnt know we´d end up sharing a bed
cigarette embers on dark nights
too many laughs
some tears
and some silences
we lived a lot of sunny days
but youre always in my mind
and my heart
when it rains

That was a poem from Maya but i think then she thought it wasnt enough so she sent another one to me. Both are lovely...

omi you'd be proud
i've removed a shroud
of uncertainty
that i can rhyme in poetry
i think i better understand
the inky movement of your hands
spill out strings of cheezy lines
to find some light and truth to shine
after so many days of sun
wishing for thunder
to ease the hum drum

the memories are still so clear
though i havent seen you in a year

The Carpenters

I grew up listening to this duo without being conscious about it and in last three years I got to love them even more [do I use correct words?]. Love love love their every song, even most sappy song like…

I know I need to be in love
I know I’m wasting so much time…

Their cynical song about love…

What do you get when you fall in love
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That’s what you get for all your trouble
I’ll never fall in love again

What do you get when you kiss a guy
You got enough germs to get pneumonia
After you do he’ll never call you
I’ll never fall in love again

Their love song that became such a memorable song and made Maya said if she heard it again back home she would be stunned, Top of the World.

Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear, it’s because
You are here, you’re the nearest thing
To heaven that I’ve seen

I’m on the top of the world, looking
Down on creation and the only
Explanation I can find is the love
That I found ever since you’ve been around
Your love’s put me at the top of the world

Aren’t I so old fashion or what, but funny how I lent their cd from the library along with Good Charlotte but Karen had a silent complain about the noise. Intinya, HIDUP CARPENTERS. Sipirili!!!!

My Belu

I finally got my own bike, not my very own but I can say my own until at least next 2 years. I call it Belu [Bebek Lucu] in account that it’s a motor bebek hehehe that’s how Indonesians call it. It was previously used by my sister, aha you can see from the scars it has. I think I’m a lousy driver but dunno why my sister had more incident than me. I have a future plan to bring Belu to places I’ve never been before such as Bontang. Just seen some pictures of Beras Basah from a photography exhibition and so interested in visiting it. Ayo!!!! But my Belu is one of the cause of global warming, why you consume fossil fuel Belu? Why?!!!!

Me on News

A week ago I was in the newspaper, still about the exchange program just like 2 years ago. My sister called me telling about that, then my step mom sent congratulation sms and at that time I didn’t know about the article yet. Then I bought it and soon realized it quite wasn’t right. It was written that I said the cities in Indonesia were messy, I didn’t say that although it was quite right but saying it in exchange program context was inappropriate. When I confirmed to the writer she said sorry and that the statement was a critic for the government, huh why then she used me!!!!

Delivering a baby

Babies and Pregnancy always amaze girls, or maybe only in Indonesia, but yeah all friends i know are soooo into babies, they're cute.

I thought none delivered a baby at home anymore until I heard my neighbor did. When I asked my aunty she said because it was cheaper.
I remember now that my host mom in Sontas delivered her 3rd child, Tiara at home too. Mom was a year older than me, sometimes it’s hard to call her mom, awkward.
It was a rainy night with lighting when Ella, mom’s sister [of course she was much younger than me], came into the room Maya and I were in. She had a serious face at that time and then she told me that mom was struggling downstairs to deliver the baby. Few times after, Ella went to check on mom and came back with the news that it was a baby girl. Maya was in disbelief, maybe because someone actually has delivered a baby in the she was in and all the struggling time we were upstairs waiting in silence.
It was January 3rd, exactly on Fernando’s birthday and we had a party for him. We went to the party quite soon after the baby arrived, went thru the rain. Did I wear my condom-look-alike raincoat? The party was more to a quiet party, no music no dance and as far as I can recall he got a weird birthday cake lol.

It’s been more than a year and I wonder how Tiara looks like now, maybe just like Ricci her older sister.

series of random and most real dream

this week i have this series of random dreams and some of them felt so real, involving people around me of course, maybe because they miss me huhuhuhu [narsistic mixed with over confidence]. the last one was quite distracting because it was about the motorcycle that actually will eventually come this sunday SIPIRILI.

today was the first day of the kaltim selection day for youth exchange program, i was preparing to go to be the cheerleader hehe and was thinking a silly idea about bringing my photos without any certain reason. i almost forgot it while dressing up for the selection, when i was about to leave the room i accidentally dropped the photos from the table and then grabbed with and mumbled that it's maybe a sign.

a reporter from Tribun newspaper suddenly appeared and first we thought she was one of the participants of the selection. she wanted some information about the program, she got information from my friends who absolutely more vocal than me but somehow i dunno why she then asked me, and only me, whether i had photos or not. my oh my, that was a sign ladies and gentlemen........

that's all for today-----peace

untukku [for me]

i said i wanted to have this song of Untukku in my wed, because it's so romantic.
it's about believing that this one person is only for you, no matter how far you go. so BELIEVE!



Kemana langkahku pergi
Slalu ada bayangmu
Ku yakin makna nurani
Kau takkan pernah terganti
Saat lautan kau sebrangi
Janganlah ragu bersauh
Ku percaya hati kecilku
Kau takkan berpaling

Reff:
Walau keujung dunia, pasti akan kunanti
Meski ke tujuh samudra, pasti ku kan menunggu
Karena ku yakin, Kau hanya untukku
kembali ke ->

Pandanglah bintang berpijar
Kau tak pernah tersembunyi
Dimana engkau beradaDisana cintaku

kembali ke Reff
(Duet): Walau ke ujung duniaPasti akan kunanti
Meski ketujuh samudraPasti ku kan menunggu (3x)
Karena ku yakin, kau hanya untukku
Karena ku yakin, kau hanya untukkuHanya untukku

undertow

everything's going slow and harsh.... what's that suppose to mean, i dunno either maybe that just the way it is under my conciousness huhuhu. it's just i feel like i've been struggling against an undertow, before i know i feel so exhausted and drench over something i dunno. weirded me out but c'est la vie, i mean i am weird

these couple weeks has been a hard ones, with all the conflicts - all the things that left me alone to think. the truth that has been there and recently popped out in front of me, hurted me so bad that i had a crazy idea when i was alone [really couldnt let myself being alone in my room and thank god i got my cousins]. then my fave singer [chrisye] died at my very bad day made me wanted so much to cry or maybe it was just my way to grief over me, but camoflaged to be over him. but i liked him so much, every song of him touched me esp "Untukku", i'll have that for my wedding.

it's pouring rain out there after a blasting hot day, and in every rainy day i suppose maya and i send little message of missing each other, just like today i feel like i miss her so much i start to have little kick on my throat like the day we seperated more than a year ago. alright then i'll have a raindance for ya crazy lady, hopefully it's fun........

i want to

i want to fall to a guy next to this place i'm sitting on
i wish i could smiled back to this particular senior in the way he does
i wanted to like a friend's friend who turned out to be jayus, simply couldnt
i wished to be in love with one who had the cutest puppy face ever but i failed
i want to forget that my best friend liked me more than just friend and start over
i wished love was easier than these

severe state of boredom

nothing really wrong, i'm just in a state of boredom severely
i know i need to focus but i simply cannot, i'm so scattered
i'll convince you this is not loneliness, cos i found the comfort
in the silence, times of my own and even pain
i need to convince my self i would be alright although i
started to question everything, literally EVERYTHING
of why people stare, why one talks the way he does
what this faith means to me and yet to anyone else
if i slipped once, what would i be? so tempted to try to find out
there's a little flicker that may turn me to someone ......................
this world's like screaming and begging me to be one
and this morning i'm one step closer to the edge

playboy kabel [boys will be boys]

playboy kabel is a reality show that in so many way i would call man-trap, it's a trap for the playboys huhu. interested? so if you have a flirtatious boyfriend and want to test him [read: psychologically strong just in case he is a playboy and mature enough not to fight in front of the camera] just apply and they would provide a bait. what we call bait here is a delicious [?] and flirtatious girl who will test your man [read: no way he would pass].

all i can say is poor people, ones that ever let themselves deal with the show. but boys also need some "lesson" eh? maybe one day if i lost my mind i would apply huhuhu.

ah boys will be boys, unbelieveable.

Silly ideas in his little head

I’m talking about one of my students, although they’re all silly one of them is more open maybe because he’s the oldest. When it was almost his birthday, his sister announced it so that I knew. The conversation:

Me : How old will you be?
He : 14.
Me : That young?!
He : what? If I was older, you would ask me out??!!

Huahahaha, then I gave him a queer stare.

This was another day I couldn’t teach, he gave me a miscall on my cellphone so I sent him a text message.

Me : sorry I cant attend the class because I’m sick. Plz tell the other and miss Christine. Tnx [in English]
He : miss ngomong apa sih? Kok pake bahasa Jawa, coba pake bahasa inggris.
Translation:
what are you talking about? Why are you talking in Javanese? Speak English please.
Me : let miss Christine teach you today ok? Have fun, see you on Thursday.
He : miss sakit apa? Broken heart kah?
Translation:
What is your disease? Broken heart?
Me : gangguan mental gara-gara ngajar kalian.
Translation:
Mental break down because of teaching you.

It’s not so funny in English I realize huhuhu. I just want you to know it’s hard to handle 6 kids I wonder how will it be to teach a whole class which means 40 kids… even though it’ll be just for 3 months but still

Fire and Light

“Happy are those ages when the starry sky is the map of all possible paths – ages whose paths are illuminated by the light of the stars. Everything in such ages is new and yet familiar, full of adventure and yet their own. The world is wide and yet it is like a home, for the fire that burns in the soul is of the same essential nature as the stars: the world and the self, the light and the fire, are sharply distinct, yet they never become permanent strangers to one another, for fire is the soul of all light and all fire clothes itself in light. Thus each action of the soul becomes meaningful and rounded in this duality: complete in meaning – in sense – and complete of the senses; rounded because its action separates itself from it and, having become itself, finds a centre of its own and draws a closed circumference round itself.” [Lukacs]

Power Puff Kids Story

It has nothing to do with the cartoon characters, it’s about me and my best friends. Destiny brought us together in a funny way, we were happened to be in a program gathered together with other people and felt half alienated for staying with strangers. I suppose none of us, at that time, had someone we really called friend, not until the training days were over. I felt so.

But then one day after we had flag ceremony at the state palace haha “istana Negara”, we were at the bus felt so exhausted and most people was sleeping. I never been the kind of person who could sleep anywhere, the only times I can sleep in vehicle are when I have inter city bus ride. So what I did was taking pictures of them who slept without any sense of beauty, the only one who did have was Olin hehe. Then I saw people who also didn’t sleep, they were Herry and Sony who sat together, we then chatted about something that I forgot. One of them then suggested that we played truth or dare, we did and I was the first victim. They asked me something that so not cool to write here and hopefully they have already forgotten about it. The game involved armpit kissing and a dare to kiss a man to one of the boys [I suggested Mas Pri] and almost involved jumping out of the running bus hehe.

I dunno why and how but then we became closer, I was just an addition to the boys because they were closer even before I came. We had little times that we could remember as ours completely, I could remember some when the boys were sick and I brought food for them. Sony was quite helpless so I left him alone, went to Herry’s room and we ended up chit chatting about people in the groups. Then he asked me to try the couch in the boys’ room, it was so damn cozy – a perfect place to curl on a cold day.

It was so sad that Herry was in the other group although Sony and I were in the same group, which meant we were about to live in separate areas for more about 7 months – we did have several chances to meet though. No long after the groups split, we made appointment to meet at a neutral city – spent the whole day together and then they visited our area which was forbidden but hell to it. We had such a wonderful time. In the morning, I dunno with what reason, Herry made a promise to me about something, I was happy to hear it. Although he didn’t keep it I guess.


We finally met again at Delon’s concert, we really had to find our own way to be able to go because my supervisor didn’t really agree about our going. Herry performed a dance with his group at the show, after we went crazy with the music. To then separated again by the fact that we had to go home.

At Idul Fitri, because of the uncertainty of possibility to meet I accepted Gale’s invitation to eat at Banana Leaf. So when the others met probably I was still eating at that restaurant, it worth it though. The foods were so exquisite, but the boys would be mad if I told them about it. According to Sony, people from the other group were hiding when he arrived – wanting to surprised him. Later they realized I wasn’t there [thank god, they realized] I wish Sony didn’t mention where I was. I missed the chance.

But spent great shopping time together in our last days in Vancouver, at first it was Sony and me – we were at the value village. For one reason that I can’t remember now I headed back to the hotel without the others, but then Sony decided to go with me. We were like two little kids lost in directions on the bus, but I knew I could always use a help. A man with heater in his hand told us where to stop, and accidentally we met Harry. He was wandering around alone, so we decided to eat pizza and while Sony complaining about spending hundred bucks – when the others cheat on the prices. All I could say was what’s done is done huhu, at least your mom got good souvenirs.

On one circle check we had before we left Van, Sony mentioned that he was jealous because I often hugged someone. Lets have the thing straight, He hugged me!!! But they weren’t even hugs they were surviving aids…..??? lol Herry was jealous too because I talked to Mr.K instead of him. I felt jealous too, but the reason is mine only hehehe. I like the idea of jealousy, it shows the existence of sense of belonging.

[I think I’m jealous of your girlfriend although she’s just a girl that is your friend] this one is different though J

I kept wondering why the boys always got the side-by-side seats at those fights, while I was stranded alone oh life was not fair. At least the last time they were sitting 1 row away.

In P city, a lot of things happened – should I mention about crying scene? Coz I’ve wrote it somewhere, the point is that I loved that moment in account that I felt like the world was ours and they were there for me when I was down.


A year after our very first meeting, we met again at the same city. Sony and I happened to arrived at the airport at the same time and then we waited for Herry’s mom to give souvenirs that we wanted to give to Herry because he couldn’t come. We were standing around his mother and chit chatting with her when someone tapped on my shoulder and when I turned around I screamed!!!!! I hugged that man, it was Herry, he wasn’t supposed to be there. I mean because he’s told us that he couldn’t come, we became hysterical and noticed people were looking at us. We had great time except one time, when we agreed to go to Pizza Hut at the mall and suddenly Sony said he wouldn’t go with us although it was his idea. We were kindda upset because it was our last day together and he wanted to be alone with his problem not to share with us while we’re together unlike the rest of time. Then we went back to our own lives, separated miles away.


Few times after, Herry was upset because I didn’t call him when I said I would. I sent him text message to inform him that I couldn’t but then days after he told me that he was really disappointed at me for that. I couldn’t do anything to change his mind and I suppose I wasn’t his best friend anymore according to his blog posts. I slipped once and it affected the whole friendship. Truly sad.

Didn’t hear much of him since then while Sony and I kept in touch everyday. Miss him a lot but I was afraid of his rejection so I held it back. There’s always fight among us but it would be more or less silent argument [bertengkar berbisik]. Even for now when our relation is flat but still supportive and I dunno about the others but I still consider them as my best friends although 7 months didn’t give us great picture about each other life.

Fish and Gay

March 18, 2007

Sunday, we went for a family fishing day at a fishing place which was sooooo far away that made my brother felt sleepy on the way there [suddenly I remember Christopher in The Pursuit of Happiness when he said “are we there?”]. We went with my dad’s friends and families, maybe there were 14 or 15 or more of us. My bro and I used my dad’s fishing rods but the rest used the stick fishing rods from the place. You can say this was my first time, but when I was way younger I went with my dad but that time I was just watching him while reading mag at the beach hehe. I was so excited up until we met the bait lol, it was something so stink that we bought from the fishing place, so stink that none of us willing to touch it. Thank god my dad’s friend’s wife helped us she said it was stink lets have one hand stink with it, good idea!

It was raining and we were basically sat under the hut which stood in the pond, all of us at the same place, quite silly since it was a big area and being at the same place would mean less opportunity to get the fish. Then when we got to our sense we moved to another area, did it several times with no sight of success to attract any fish.

Across us, dad’s friends kept on getting fish I was like damn what did he do? What was it all about? Lucky or doing it right? I did it right enough hihi, then dad’s friend gave us his bait which he said better. Ehm that was it? You think so? Because even then we got nothing and we also went all over the place, still unfortunate. Btw we also celebrated my bro’s birthday which happened a week ago and my step mom’s birthday which was this day.

Having new pictures my sis and I couldn’t help it to go online to add them to our friendster and I of course updated this blog. My sis went to Panic at the disco! ‘s website, looked at their pictures and was hysteric on the possibility that the vocalist could be gay. It wasn’t because she was against gay or something but more to disappointment that she didn’t even have a chance at all. Hehe not that he would fall for her but you know it’s teen’s crush on idol, and she never had a gay idol before. On the way home she kept on screaming NO, I said just let it go – as if he was her boyfriend, she was grieving. I think it’s good as education on sex orientation for her, that most gay boys are cute – or most cute boys are gay?! Hehehe kidding.

the punk's umbrella

This story happened when the house that I lived in was in a flood. It was Thursday and I was teaching when that heavy rain came streaming down the windows. And my head was filled by thought that the whole city might be in flood, it was so distracting.

However I went to the mall before going home [the course place was at the mall actually] and bought some food. I thought I would easily get to the crossing bridge [jembatan penyeberangan hehehe] to then get an angkot to go home. But it was way more complicated, I brought documents I didn’t want to get wet and it was flooding everywhere literally.

I was standing in front of a shop looking for solution when there’s a guy offered me an umbrella. He was a punk [and she did ballet hehehe] and I said “ojek payung?” [umbrella for rent], he said yes. The plan was I used the umbrella to cross the street and then get an angkot but there’s no driver would sacrifice their angkot in that water level in account that they would ruin the engine.

So we ended up walked under the rain in the MIDDLE of the street, there was no vehicle anyway, and he refused to be under the umbrella although it was gigantic it would take 3 people. We talked a little bit about punk, where he lived and how he lived etc and before we knew he walked me home.

For me it was such an experience when people here were weirded out by the existence of punk and that nowadays they are everywhere. And btw I think it was my second experience walking in a flood plus under the rain.

send your voice in a letter

I’ve been bitching around about the idea that missing people’s voices is worse than missing to see their faces, way worse. But yeah sure the worst is missing them to just be around you and be able to hug them. So then I came up with this poem which the first words I found when I was humming in the bathroom. It shows how conventional I am in communication, I love writing in many ways including letters and was thinking about sending postcards when I saw these cool postcards. This poem might sound a little weird but I love the sense of weirdness lmao. So here it is…


Send your voice in a letter
In a way I can remember you better
With the words I know you’d say
On a vivid day in the end of May

Send your voice in a letter
Before this memory gets older
Show me places you’ve been
And those faces and souls you keen

Send your smile on the air
Though you’re not here, I think it’s fair
Coz when the warmth reaches me
I know you give it sincerely…….


Still talking about sending and all, I like this lyric of Jason Mraz that I think is true, do you ever wonder……

Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send
Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take
And come back together again with a whole new meaning
In a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one I sent

Crackling candy

I was out at the mall for the replacement of my broken shoes when the idea of starting to consume skin supplement came to my mind again. So soon after I knew it was hopeless for the next generation of shoes to be found, I headed out to the pharmacy shop, looked out for the suit-to-my-pocket vitamin E. The shopkeeper said there’s a discount on certain product that happened to have vitamin E. Sweet, I got a quite expensive supplement which my cousin-my private accountant said was cheap.

On the way out from the shop my eyes stopped on something that looked familiar. I bent down to see and found out that it was stash of crackling candies. I was so happy to see it again, it’s been years since my last pack so I grabbed one, the strawberry one.

It’s amazing how something little, in this case this crackling candy, could bring you back to your childhood memory. When having this thing would mean everything to the child-you and then just let small pieces of the candy melted and crackled in your mouth. I did it, sat down and enjoyed the crackling and brought back the child in me. It was kindda delirious, like I’d seize every crackle.

I saw this kind of scene in a movie “Suddenly 30”, when the main characters eat razzle or something for old time sake. And that’s just what I did, alone with the kind of happiness that’s only mine.


Oh crackling candy
Wonderfully just take me
Back to my childhood
In a flavor of fruit

Indonesia in Grief

I dunno if there was any other country as unfortunate as my country Indonesia, in case you haven’t heard about it we are so “gifted” with disasters these years. As far as I could remember it was started with the tsunami in Aceh at the end of 2004 and followed with many other disasters whether they were natural disasters or accidents.

Just in 2007, we had several earthquake in different islands [except Borneo, thank god], plane accidents, ship accidents, hot mud floods, floods etc. I remember few weeks ago that everyday we got news about people died because of them. It’s sad, sadder when we find out that they were not merely because god wanted them to happen but we made them. We’ve created a monster of natural disaster as the fact that we don’t love the nature enough, not enough to forget our selfishness.

In the newspaper just today I read about areas in Batam where they took sands to then sell them to Singapore that created hell lots of holes. It’s feared that soon the island would vanish as they keep on taking the sands. Is this all about money? Should it be like this?

Hot mud flood in east Java has been the hot issue, right now they trying to shut the hole where the mud comes from by putting hundreds of iron balls, this far there’s no significant result but lets just cross our fingers and pray. This flood didn’t come by nature, it was caused by a drilling company and has caused damage and lost for people who lived around. Is all about money?

Floods that happened in Jakarta [as the worst area] and several other cities, as well as my temporary city, were caused by humans’ habit of not caring that this life is not just about themselves and about today. Why I say so? Have people that throw garbage to the river ever thought that what they threw would come back and attack them and other people who didn’t do the same mistake as they did? NO. One day I talked to someone and what came from him was a more religious cynic comment. “How can they throw garbage to the river? If they’re people who have religion they know that cleanliness is part of your faith”. Abso-bloody-lutely true.

There was such a weird statement from an old man who I work with, maybe this is just a consequences of working with older people, you wouldn’t understand the way they think. It’s still about the flood, he said “they were preparing [be ready for] the flood, that’s why it then happened. They just supposed to pray”. It took me several minutes to process his words in my born-to-be-slow brain, well I know that be ready for the flood wasn’t the best way. We should’ve prevent it, not causing the flood then be ready for it. But it was better than just sit and wait and pray, I mean god wouldn’t do anything if we didn’t do anything, right? Praying is what we do along with actions, in my opinion.

All those I’ve mentioned were something “natural”, then there were plan and ship accidents that caused by bad bad bad quality of airlines and ship management and supervision from I dunno, government or transportation department officer?

Lavina I ship was quite tragedy, of how the ship burned suddenly and killed so many people whether because of the fire and smoke or because of drowning. Later the ship which was still in the middle of the sea was investigated by the people in charge and followed by press when suddenly the ship, which previously announced safe for people to get on, sank. This second accident also killed some people, both from the investigator and press sides.

Adam Air - an airline company, is on the verge of breaking down after 2 plane crashes. One of them remains a mystery until this moment because they never find the plane, just pieces which suspected to be part of the plane. Then the issue of Indonesian Bermuda Triangle brought up to the surface, according to experts this case isn’t the first one because there were numbers of plane which disappeared around the same area. Isn’t that CRAZY? Indonesian Bermuda Triangle, we should change the name thoughK.

I said to my cousin maybe then the safest way to travel was to take Garuda airlines in account of its famous quality. But days after, one of its planes crashes at Yogyakarta’s airport made me shock of saying what I said to my cousin. This time some Australian died, I wonder if it caused a travel warning [again].

From the deepest of my heart I give my condolences to the victim of all the tragedies that happened in Indonesia, hopefully this is a “sacrifice” for a better Indonesia, not just another tragedy but an eye opening. Salam Indonesia Bersatu.

the first on tv interview

i'm working at this tv station as translator, my job is to translate news to then dubb it to cassette so when you watch the news on tv what you hear is my terrible voice lol. then last week my boss suddenly offered me to do an interview, i was like oh ok but wasnt really sure about it in account that it was taped visually. i would look so bad that what i feared of hahha.

anyway i did it, and thank god the source was someone who's good in english, because it was an english program it became so handy so i didnt make many mistake during the taping. that's the way my boss wanted so we didnt have to edit it and we didnt have the time anyway. the source was so cooperative, he's from education NGO for islamic school.

when the interview finished, the cameraman offered us to see the tape- i wasnt that brave and confident to see it so i skipped it although it left a big question of how was it or precisely how did i look? lol. i planned to just watch it when it was on air but then i couldnt [damn!!] because i used tv cable and since this was a local tv station [the local version of the national tv station] so i didnt get the channel, sucks!!! so until the time being i still dont know how it was huhuhuhu.....

stranded bearded man

I could see the surreal vision of you waving your hands it was more to a signal than a goodbye or welcome wave. You looked different more to a bearded man who bathed in the sun and ate with his bare hand. Contentment of life, I could see slightly, you’re there long enough to absorb the essence of the sun, the sky and even the ocean---ones which made you thought about what you’ve got and thanked for them. Things you’ve never done before, then you sat for hours suddenly grieving over something that wasn’t dead yet, wasn’t gone but perhaps wasn’t YOURS. That was why…..you could’ve had it but you’re just aint wise enough to. You said damn to people who’s said you couldn’t lose what you never had, coz deep inside you always have felt it’s been yours it’s just you’ve never told the world.

Too late now hey stranded man on the island and there you’re alone. I was only your surreal vision and vice versa.