lil thought

I heard from my sister about a car which fell from the 6th floor of a mall in Jakarta and I thought Gosh, God kept on increasing the reasons of death while human kept on decreasing it. Kindda freaked the shit out of you eh? At least now we have something to grateful for, here we are, like John Mayer said “before the accident” being healthy and conscious about it. For me it’s always good to know the existence of the higher power.

Been wondering lately what the future holds…. My step mom talked about me getting married the other day and I said don’t worry it’d take time till then. But what was on my mind “will I ever?” I suppose Maya has put a little contribution on this thought. It’s not a blaming statement any at all, I mean before I always had a perfect picture of a family of my own, spend the rest of my life living in a quite place with my perfect picture of a man [just like one I met on the bus] but then maybe life is more than that. I wanna see the world, meet people, gain wisdom and knowledge. I want to have a little world in my heart before I die but also not regretting that I miss a thing.

I remember when we talked about life, Kaspar said life’s a canvas go ahead and choose my own color, at this very moment it’s still confusing. I don’t even know what I want, I never knew what I wanted until it’s in front of me and I like it that way I was born as spontaneous person than a planner. The same person said [although I don’t know whether he meant it] that I would go far in life, amin. Talking about what people said about me, Sarah said I had mischievous smile, I didn’t even know the meaning and still don’t know how to spell it and did I? My oh my.


Life’s a roller coaster, sometimes it moves so fast
We loose control of our self
Sometimes it’s quite slow
We can enjoy the ride and laugh
Let me see your mischievous smile
After your breathtaking sob
Coz after awhile you’d understand
How life is ever gonna be

"Communication"

Been so into this song of the cardigans beside "carnival" which always makes me sad everytime I hear it but cant get enough of it. Kindda believe this is what i feel =P



For 27 years I’ve been trying to believe and confide in
Different people I’ve found.
Some of them got closer then others
Some wouldn’t even bother and then you came around
I didn’t really know what to call you, you didn’t know me at all
But I was happy to explain.
I never really knew how to move you
So I tried to intrude through the little holes in your vanes
And I saw youBut that’s not an invitation
That’s all I getIf this is communication
I disconnect I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t knowHow to connect, so I disconnect
You always seem to know where to find me
and I’m still here behind youIn the corner of your eye.
I’ll never really learn how the love you
But I know that I love you through the hole in the sky.
Where I see you And that’s not an invitation
That’s all I getIf this is communicationI disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know youBut I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect
Well this is an invitation It’s not a thread
If you want communication
That’s what you getI’m talking and talking
But I don’t knowHow to connect
And I hold a record for being patient
With your kind of hesitation

the unsweated small stuff

My oh my I feel delirious lately, even Sony complained about me and giving the "dont sweat small stuff" advice. I had to say It couldnt work this time, this black cloud's still here going round round in my head, so annoying. But then some quite funny also happened to me:

1. About a week ago I had another accident caused by my cardigans, it was stucked on the bike's chain and i had to watch the cardigans was torn into pieces. My friend asked what kind of stupidity it was, I said it was misfortune come and help me. I was really lucky that lots of people helped me and that the car behind me didnt hit me. Good lucks in bad luck.

2. Finally finished the KKN paper, yeah after all its merely a paper saying that I have already did what the university ask all the students to do, work with the community. One case checked!

3. Still dont undestand the way some guys think. Weirded me out sometimes, just for an example - my ex boss asked me whether i have watched Spiderman 3 I said nope and he asked whether i would watched it on saturday night. I said no, I had to work and he thought i had a date. But actually because the idea for going out to the movie on saturday night with him freaked me out, why? Because he had wife, still has. What worse was he said, in front of many people hell yeah, that he wanted me to be his 2nd wife but i wanted to be the 3rd. Haha i knew it was a joke but still, it was kind of social homicide for me.

4. I think i havent put the hilarious taste in these posts. Maybe this would be one, so days ago me and my cousin, Tari went to eat Pempek [food from Palembang] and then came an old woman, i've seen her before, askin for money. What different from this woman was that she had this wide smile, everytime, which showed her toothless gums. She was so sweet. But then what was funny, according to Tari and giggled over it, that after Tari gave her some money she started to pray for us, but it was EATING PRAYER. Well it supposed to be a prayer for our soul or safety or something, but it was it, eating prayer. While its a prayer u do for yourself haha.

5. I'm quite addicted to McD's gourmet wrap but fasting at this very moment, thank god!! Should’ve done it long before.

6. Hell I want to go home, but this Saturday job just makes me cant. And I did bad thing by skipping my teaching class, I went to this seminar about Indonesia and Iran’s nuclear and after I hung out with Kartika, CWY 2006 participant. I ended up forgot things I had to do that day, the class and returning the book to the library. We had fun though, talking about boys. Hey I’ve talked about this before. Hehe

7. I want to talk to people I cant talk to, that’s funny, coz if I could talk to then I would mention coz I already am talking to them lol.

8. My birthday is coming, don’t even realize it’s May!!! A lot of things to do and start to be out of hand………………………. And my birthday wish is for some people to be with me, people who promised would come.

Intoxicating Evenings

I feel mean for saying this poem is for Menyur after I read it over and over again, but I think you should read it Nyurr...

Is he overjoyed by the intoxicating evenings?
That he forgets about the delicate future of theirs
The not-possible-to-be-whole-anymore tomorrows
When the eves could not be repeated, just rewind in memory
Silence will sing the lullaby of a lonely lover
who falls asleep with thousands promises
written not but within his heart, sincerely
which erased gradually by thousand nights
of evil thought that she could be with someone else

So judge me Nyur hehe I am quite ready for that =) hopefully i do some justice, if not complete justice.

Feel like a Santa Klaus today, got few souvenirs for people and i love the part of going to the post office to send the package for Aji. It was quite long time since the last time i went there. And I sang Mr. Postman.

Suppose to post a poem for Menur here, but i just forgot where i wrote it... Huh! Sorry nyurrr but it was such a poem that really reminded me of you in a he point of few. Oh so determinated to look for it!!!

moment of peace

I woke up this morning and felt i have to go campus to just looking for some reference for my thesis which i couldnt get yesterday. Quite confusing, it is. Hopefully I'll gradute next year, amin amin, so when Kaspar comes I can meet him without any burden load, not anymore. I just wanna breathe easily again. Last night i reread my last year journal and some parts were hilarious, they made me giggled. and now i remember when I could breathe so easily, forgetting the ridiculous thought about someone. It was when I was in Singkawang, on the last afternoon that we spent there, BP, Ahmad and I went to the far end of the Pasir Panjang beach and found this enourmous gigantic rock. On the way back to the hotel it was almost dusk and the scenery and the everything was gorgeous and for few moment without any sound of human I felt so peace. None ever could ruin my happiness at that moment, i was being careless about feeling and all. I wanna be just like that again....

in our shoes

This might sounds so mean although I never mean to, but basically human wants to feel comfort right? And sometimes we find it when we know someone somehow feels the same as we do. I just had a fun funny chat with Menur and knew quite by surprise she felt almost the same as I did. I can’t say that then I was happy because it’s not a situation everyone wants to be in, in fact I don’t believe anyone wants to be in. Complicated feeling of not knowing what you want and what’s best for you, not able to reach a space you want nor move to another one. But what’s good is that we’re both quite a good joker and laugh all the time about our common thing. Miss you girl, I meant it when I proposed you to live with me hehehe.

my friend's words: "you spend too much time thinking about life instead of just living" ah might be true, but i love thinking about it dude.