undertow

everything's going slow and harsh.... what's that suppose to mean, i dunno either maybe that just the way it is under my conciousness huhuhu. it's just i feel like i've been struggling against an undertow, before i know i feel so exhausted and drench over something i dunno. weirded me out but c'est la vie, i mean i am weird

these couple weeks has been a hard ones, with all the conflicts - all the things that left me alone to think. the truth that has been there and recently popped out in front of me, hurted me so bad that i had a crazy idea when i was alone [really couldnt let myself being alone in my room and thank god i got my cousins]. then my fave singer [chrisye] died at my very bad day made me wanted so much to cry or maybe it was just my way to grief over me, but camoflaged to be over him. but i liked him so much, every song of him touched me esp "Untukku", i'll have that for my wedding.

it's pouring rain out there after a blasting hot day, and in every rainy day i suppose maya and i send little message of missing each other, just like today i feel like i miss her so much i start to have little kick on my throat like the day we seperated more than a year ago. alright then i'll have a raindance for ya crazy lady, hopefully it's fun........

i want to

i want to fall to a guy next to this place i'm sitting on
i wish i could smiled back to this particular senior in the way he does
i wanted to like a friend's friend who turned out to be jayus, simply couldnt
i wished to be in love with one who had the cutest puppy face ever but i failed
i want to forget that my best friend liked me more than just friend and start over
i wished love was easier than these

severe state of boredom

nothing really wrong, i'm just in a state of boredom severely
i know i need to focus but i simply cannot, i'm so scattered
i'll convince you this is not loneliness, cos i found the comfort
in the silence, times of my own and even pain
i need to convince my self i would be alright although i
started to question everything, literally EVERYTHING
of why people stare, why one talks the way he does
what this faith means to me and yet to anyone else
if i slipped once, what would i be? so tempted to try to find out
there's a little flicker that may turn me to someone ......................
this world's like screaming and begging me to be one
and this morning i'm one step closer to the edge

playboy kabel [boys will be boys]

playboy kabel is a reality show that in so many way i would call man-trap, it's a trap for the playboys huhu. interested? so if you have a flirtatious boyfriend and want to test him [read: psychologically strong just in case he is a playboy and mature enough not to fight in front of the camera] just apply and they would provide a bait. what we call bait here is a delicious [?] and flirtatious girl who will test your man [read: no way he would pass].

all i can say is poor people, ones that ever let themselves deal with the show. but boys also need some "lesson" eh? maybe one day if i lost my mind i would apply huhuhu.

ah boys will be boys, unbelieveable.

Silly ideas in his little head

I’m talking about one of my students, although they’re all silly one of them is more open maybe because he’s the oldest. When it was almost his birthday, his sister announced it so that I knew. The conversation:

Me : How old will you be?
He : 14.
Me : That young?!
He : what? If I was older, you would ask me out??!!

Huahahaha, then I gave him a queer stare.

This was another day I couldn’t teach, he gave me a miscall on my cellphone so I sent him a text message.

Me : sorry I cant attend the class because I’m sick. Plz tell the other and miss Christine. Tnx [in English]
He : miss ngomong apa sih? Kok pake bahasa Jawa, coba pake bahasa inggris.
Translation:
what are you talking about? Why are you talking in Javanese? Speak English please.
Me : let miss Christine teach you today ok? Have fun, see you on Thursday.
He : miss sakit apa? Broken heart kah?
Translation:
What is your disease? Broken heart?
Me : gangguan mental gara-gara ngajar kalian.
Translation:
Mental break down because of teaching you.

It’s not so funny in English I realize huhuhu. I just want you to know it’s hard to handle 6 kids I wonder how will it be to teach a whole class which means 40 kids… even though it’ll be just for 3 months but still

Fire and Light

“Happy are those ages when the starry sky is the map of all possible paths – ages whose paths are illuminated by the light of the stars. Everything in such ages is new and yet familiar, full of adventure and yet their own. The world is wide and yet it is like a home, for the fire that burns in the soul is of the same essential nature as the stars: the world and the self, the light and the fire, are sharply distinct, yet they never become permanent strangers to one another, for fire is the soul of all light and all fire clothes itself in light. Thus each action of the soul becomes meaningful and rounded in this duality: complete in meaning – in sense – and complete of the senses; rounded because its action separates itself from it and, having become itself, finds a centre of its own and draws a closed circumference round itself.” [Lukacs]

Power Puff Kids Story

It has nothing to do with the cartoon characters, it’s about me and my best friends. Destiny brought us together in a funny way, we were happened to be in a program gathered together with other people and felt half alienated for staying with strangers. I suppose none of us, at that time, had someone we really called friend, not until the training days were over. I felt so.

But then one day after we had flag ceremony at the state palace haha “istana Negara”, we were at the bus felt so exhausted and most people was sleeping. I never been the kind of person who could sleep anywhere, the only times I can sleep in vehicle are when I have inter city bus ride. So what I did was taking pictures of them who slept without any sense of beauty, the only one who did have was Olin hehe. Then I saw people who also didn’t sleep, they were Herry and Sony who sat together, we then chatted about something that I forgot. One of them then suggested that we played truth or dare, we did and I was the first victim. They asked me something that so not cool to write here and hopefully they have already forgotten about it. The game involved armpit kissing and a dare to kiss a man to one of the boys [I suggested Mas Pri] and almost involved jumping out of the running bus hehe.

I dunno why and how but then we became closer, I was just an addition to the boys because they were closer even before I came. We had little times that we could remember as ours completely, I could remember some when the boys were sick and I brought food for them. Sony was quite helpless so I left him alone, went to Herry’s room and we ended up chit chatting about people in the groups. Then he asked me to try the couch in the boys’ room, it was so damn cozy – a perfect place to curl on a cold day.

It was so sad that Herry was in the other group although Sony and I were in the same group, which meant we were about to live in separate areas for more about 7 months – we did have several chances to meet though. No long after the groups split, we made appointment to meet at a neutral city – spent the whole day together and then they visited our area which was forbidden but hell to it. We had such a wonderful time. In the morning, I dunno with what reason, Herry made a promise to me about something, I was happy to hear it. Although he didn’t keep it I guess.


We finally met again at Delon’s concert, we really had to find our own way to be able to go because my supervisor didn’t really agree about our going. Herry performed a dance with his group at the show, after we went crazy with the music. To then separated again by the fact that we had to go home.

At Idul Fitri, because of the uncertainty of possibility to meet I accepted Gale’s invitation to eat at Banana Leaf. So when the others met probably I was still eating at that restaurant, it worth it though. The foods were so exquisite, but the boys would be mad if I told them about it. According to Sony, people from the other group were hiding when he arrived – wanting to surprised him. Later they realized I wasn’t there [thank god, they realized] I wish Sony didn’t mention where I was. I missed the chance.

But spent great shopping time together in our last days in Vancouver, at first it was Sony and me – we were at the value village. For one reason that I can’t remember now I headed back to the hotel without the others, but then Sony decided to go with me. We were like two little kids lost in directions on the bus, but I knew I could always use a help. A man with heater in his hand told us where to stop, and accidentally we met Harry. He was wandering around alone, so we decided to eat pizza and while Sony complaining about spending hundred bucks – when the others cheat on the prices. All I could say was what’s done is done huhu, at least your mom got good souvenirs.

On one circle check we had before we left Van, Sony mentioned that he was jealous because I often hugged someone. Lets have the thing straight, He hugged me!!! But they weren’t even hugs they were surviving aids…..??? lol Herry was jealous too because I talked to Mr.K instead of him. I felt jealous too, but the reason is mine only hehehe. I like the idea of jealousy, it shows the existence of sense of belonging.

[I think I’m jealous of your girlfriend although she’s just a girl that is your friend] this one is different though J

I kept wondering why the boys always got the side-by-side seats at those fights, while I was stranded alone oh life was not fair. At least the last time they were sitting 1 row away.

In P city, a lot of things happened – should I mention about crying scene? Coz I’ve wrote it somewhere, the point is that I loved that moment in account that I felt like the world was ours and they were there for me when I was down.


A year after our very first meeting, we met again at the same city. Sony and I happened to arrived at the airport at the same time and then we waited for Herry’s mom to give souvenirs that we wanted to give to Herry because he couldn’t come. We were standing around his mother and chit chatting with her when someone tapped on my shoulder and when I turned around I screamed!!!!! I hugged that man, it was Herry, he wasn’t supposed to be there. I mean because he’s told us that he couldn’t come, we became hysterical and noticed people were looking at us. We had great time except one time, when we agreed to go to Pizza Hut at the mall and suddenly Sony said he wouldn’t go with us although it was his idea. We were kindda upset because it was our last day together and he wanted to be alone with his problem not to share with us while we’re together unlike the rest of time. Then we went back to our own lives, separated miles away.


Few times after, Herry was upset because I didn’t call him when I said I would. I sent him text message to inform him that I couldn’t but then days after he told me that he was really disappointed at me for that. I couldn’t do anything to change his mind and I suppose I wasn’t his best friend anymore according to his blog posts. I slipped once and it affected the whole friendship. Truly sad.

Didn’t hear much of him since then while Sony and I kept in touch everyday. Miss him a lot but I was afraid of his rejection so I held it back. There’s always fight among us but it would be more or less silent argument [bertengkar berbisik]. Even for now when our relation is flat but still supportive and I dunno about the others but I still consider them as my best friends although 7 months didn’t give us great picture about each other life.

Fish and Gay

March 18, 2007

Sunday, we went for a family fishing day at a fishing place which was sooooo far away that made my brother felt sleepy on the way there [suddenly I remember Christopher in The Pursuit of Happiness when he said “are we there?”]. We went with my dad’s friends and families, maybe there were 14 or 15 or more of us. My bro and I used my dad’s fishing rods but the rest used the stick fishing rods from the place. You can say this was my first time, but when I was way younger I went with my dad but that time I was just watching him while reading mag at the beach hehe. I was so excited up until we met the bait lol, it was something so stink that we bought from the fishing place, so stink that none of us willing to touch it. Thank god my dad’s friend’s wife helped us she said it was stink lets have one hand stink with it, good idea!

It was raining and we were basically sat under the hut which stood in the pond, all of us at the same place, quite silly since it was a big area and being at the same place would mean less opportunity to get the fish. Then when we got to our sense we moved to another area, did it several times with no sight of success to attract any fish.

Across us, dad’s friends kept on getting fish I was like damn what did he do? What was it all about? Lucky or doing it right? I did it right enough hihi, then dad’s friend gave us his bait which he said better. Ehm that was it? You think so? Because even then we got nothing and we also went all over the place, still unfortunate. Btw we also celebrated my bro’s birthday which happened a week ago and my step mom’s birthday which was this day.

Having new pictures my sis and I couldn’t help it to go online to add them to our friendster and I of course updated this blog. My sis went to Panic at the disco! ‘s website, looked at their pictures and was hysteric on the possibility that the vocalist could be gay. It wasn’t because she was against gay or something but more to disappointment that she didn’t even have a chance at all. Hehe not that he would fall for her but you know it’s teen’s crush on idol, and she never had a gay idol before. On the way home she kept on screaming NO, I said just let it go – as if he was her boyfriend, she was grieving. I think it’s good as education on sex orientation for her, that most gay boys are cute – or most cute boys are gay?! Hehehe kidding.

the punk's umbrella

This story happened when the house that I lived in was in a flood. It was Thursday and I was teaching when that heavy rain came streaming down the windows. And my head was filled by thought that the whole city might be in flood, it was so distracting.

However I went to the mall before going home [the course place was at the mall actually] and bought some food. I thought I would easily get to the crossing bridge [jembatan penyeberangan hehehe] to then get an angkot to go home. But it was way more complicated, I brought documents I didn’t want to get wet and it was flooding everywhere literally.

I was standing in front of a shop looking for solution when there’s a guy offered me an umbrella. He was a punk [and she did ballet hehehe] and I said “ojek payung?” [umbrella for rent], he said yes. The plan was I used the umbrella to cross the street and then get an angkot but there’s no driver would sacrifice their angkot in that water level in account that they would ruin the engine.

So we ended up walked under the rain in the MIDDLE of the street, there was no vehicle anyway, and he refused to be under the umbrella although it was gigantic it would take 3 people. We talked a little bit about punk, where he lived and how he lived etc and before we knew he walked me home.

For me it was such an experience when people here were weirded out by the existence of punk and that nowadays they are everywhere. And btw I think it was my second experience walking in a flood plus under the rain.

send your voice in a letter

I’ve been bitching around about the idea that missing people’s voices is worse than missing to see their faces, way worse. But yeah sure the worst is missing them to just be around you and be able to hug them. So then I came up with this poem which the first words I found when I was humming in the bathroom. It shows how conventional I am in communication, I love writing in many ways including letters and was thinking about sending postcards when I saw these cool postcards. This poem might sound a little weird but I love the sense of weirdness lmao. So here it is…


Send your voice in a letter
In a way I can remember you better
With the words I know you’d say
On a vivid day in the end of May

Send your voice in a letter
Before this memory gets older
Show me places you’ve been
And those faces and souls you keen

Send your smile on the air
Though you’re not here, I think it’s fair
Coz when the warmth reaches me
I know you give it sincerely…….


Still talking about sending and all, I like this lyric of Jason Mraz that I think is true, do you ever wonder……

Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send
Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take
And come back together again with a whole new meaning
In a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one I sent

Crackling candy

I was out at the mall for the replacement of my broken shoes when the idea of starting to consume skin supplement came to my mind again. So soon after I knew it was hopeless for the next generation of shoes to be found, I headed out to the pharmacy shop, looked out for the suit-to-my-pocket vitamin E. The shopkeeper said there’s a discount on certain product that happened to have vitamin E. Sweet, I got a quite expensive supplement which my cousin-my private accountant said was cheap.

On the way out from the shop my eyes stopped on something that looked familiar. I bent down to see and found out that it was stash of crackling candies. I was so happy to see it again, it’s been years since my last pack so I grabbed one, the strawberry one.

It’s amazing how something little, in this case this crackling candy, could bring you back to your childhood memory. When having this thing would mean everything to the child-you and then just let small pieces of the candy melted and crackled in your mouth. I did it, sat down and enjoyed the crackling and brought back the child in me. It was kindda delirious, like I’d seize every crackle.

I saw this kind of scene in a movie “Suddenly 30”, when the main characters eat razzle or something for old time sake. And that’s just what I did, alone with the kind of happiness that’s only mine.


Oh crackling candy
Wonderfully just take me
Back to my childhood
In a flavor of fruit

Indonesia in Grief

I dunno if there was any other country as unfortunate as my country Indonesia, in case you haven’t heard about it we are so “gifted” with disasters these years. As far as I could remember it was started with the tsunami in Aceh at the end of 2004 and followed with many other disasters whether they were natural disasters or accidents.

Just in 2007, we had several earthquake in different islands [except Borneo, thank god], plane accidents, ship accidents, hot mud floods, floods etc. I remember few weeks ago that everyday we got news about people died because of them. It’s sad, sadder when we find out that they were not merely because god wanted them to happen but we made them. We’ve created a monster of natural disaster as the fact that we don’t love the nature enough, not enough to forget our selfishness.

In the newspaper just today I read about areas in Batam where they took sands to then sell them to Singapore that created hell lots of holes. It’s feared that soon the island would vanish as they keep on taking the sands. Is this all about money? Should it be like this?

Hot mud flood in east Java has been the hot issue, right now they trying to shut the hole where the mud comes from by putting hundreds of iron balls, this far there’s no significant result but lets just cross our fingers and pray. This flood didn’t come by nature, it was caused by a drilling company and has caused damage and lost for people who lived around. Is all about money?

Floods that happened in Jakarta [as the worst area] and several other cities, as well as my temporary city, were caused by humans’ habit of not caring that this life is not just about themselves and about today. Why I say so? Have people that throw garbage to the river ever thought that what they threw would come back and attack them and other people who didn’t do the same mistake as they did? NO. One day I talked to someone and what came from him was a more religious cynic comment. “How can they throw garbage to the river? If they’re people who have religion they know that cleanliness is part of your faith”. Abso-bloody-lutely true.

There was such a weird statement from an old man who I work with, maybe this is just a consequences of working with older people, you wouldn’t understand the way they think. It’s still about the flood, he said “they were preparing [be ready for] the flood, that’s why it then happened. They just supposed to pray”. It took me several minutes to process his words in my born-to-be-slow brain, well I know that be ready for the flood wasn’t the best way. We should’ve prevent it, not causing the flood then be ready for it. But it was better than just sit and wait and pray, I mean god wouldn’t do anything if we didn’t do anything, right? Praying is what we do along with actions, in my opinion.

All those I’ve mentioned were something “natural”, then there were plan and ship accidents that caused by bad bad bad quality of airlines and ship management and supervision from I dunno, government or transportation department officer?

Lavina I ship was quite tragedy, of how the ship burned suddenly and killed so many people whether because of the fire and smoke or because of drowning. Later the ship which was still in the middle of the sea was investigated by the people in charge and followed by press when suddenly the ship, which previously announced safe for people to get on, sank. This second accident also killed some people, both from the investigator and press sides.

Adam Air - an airline company, is on the verge of breaking down after 2 plane crashes. One of them remains a mystery until this moment because they never find the plane, just pieces which suspected to be part of the plane. Then the issue of Indonesian Bermuda Triangle brought up to the surface, according to experts this case isn’t the first one because there were numbers of plane which disappeared around the same area. Isn’t that CRAZY? Indonesian Bermuda Triangle, we should change the name thoughK.

I said to my cousin maybe then the safest way to travel was to take Garuda airlines in account of its famous quality. But days after, one of its planes crashes at Yogyakarta’s airport made me shock of saying what I said to my cousin. This time some Australian died, I wonder if it caused a travel warning [again].

From the deepest of my heart I give my condolences to the victim of all the tragedies that happened in Indonesia, hopefully this is a “sacrifice” for a better Indonesia, not just another tragedy but an eye opening. Salam Indonesia Bersatu.

the first on tv interview

i'm working at this tv station as translator, my job is to translate news to then dubb it to cassette so when you watch the news on tv what you hear is my terrible voice lol. then last week my boss suddenly offered me to do an interview, i was like oh ok but wasnt really sure about it in account that it was taped visually. i would look so bad that what i feared of hahha.

anyway i did it, and thank god the source was someone who's good in english, because it was an english program it became so handy so i didnt make many mistake during the taping. that's the way my boss wanted so we didnt have to edit it and we didnt have the time anyway. the source was so cooperative, he's from education NGO for islamic school.

when the interview finished, the cameraman offered us to see the tape- i wasnt that brave and confident to see it so i skipped it although it left a big question of how was it or precisely how did i look? lol. i planned to just watch it when it was on air but then i couldnt [damn!!] because i used tv cable and since this was a local tv station [the local version of the national tv station] so i didnt get the channel, sucks!!! so until the time being i still dont know how it was huhuhuhu.....

stranded bearded man

I could see the surreal vision of you waving your hands it was more to a signal than a goodbye or welcome wave. You looked different more to a bearded man who bathed in the sun and ate with his bare hand. Contentment of life, I could see slightly, you’re there long enough to absorb the essence of the sun, the sky and even the ocean---ones which made you thought about what you’ve got and thanked for them. Things you’ve never done before, then you sat for hours suddenly grieving over something that wasn’t dead yet, wasn’t gone but perhaps wasn’t YOURS. That was why…..you could’ve had it but you’re just aint wise enough to. You said damn to people who’s said you couldn’t lose what you never had, coz deep inside you always have felt it’s been yours it’s just you’ve never told the world.

Too late now hey stranded man on the island and there you’re alone. I was only your surreal vision and vice versa.