Drawing In Silence

29 December 2010

Everything is back to its nature and so am I. Shrinking back to the anti-social me, ignoring how much I like to interact with people on good days. I crave for silence more lately, ponder if it would be alright if I just keep my mouth shut the entire working day haha. That's probably a bit mean to the others and I would absolutely look grumpy or having constipation. 

The thing is that I've been spending my time alone a lot already and if I follow this lock-me-up-in-the-dungeon-and-leave-me-alone mood I would be like that the whole year (o.0) And absolutely I do not want that, altho advantage is (if I can manage to shut down the internet) I can write hell lots with the time I have.

Comfort being in my skin, on my own, is what I almost master. Bit by bit I learned how to let go the need to have company and started to depend on myself on every thing. Who is the best person to make you happy rather than yourself? Looking back, to 2006, and put it side by side with present condition, I always get my contentment when I am alone. 

2006, almost exactly 5 years ago in Singkawang back to the time when I was enjoying my time with new friends I got from Indonesia-Canada Youth Exchange Program. The 40-of-us were having our Indonesian phase mid-project retreat in Singkawang, the famous beach city in West Kalimantan where we spent 3 days at the beach which was almost like our own. Our very own beach. I barely saw people hanging around the beach which practically lied in front of our hotel which was not a big one but we had no complaint. 

My Group at Pasir Panjang Beach, Singkawang

I was a 21 years old girl whose crush on a Canadian boy (he was 18 years old) started to fade away with the distance between us. Although actually it was more like 30 minutes drive passing two beasty supervisors who with pleasure would chop our feet if they caught us seeing each other. In short I'd say it was all about the program rules. But on top of all I say he just never tried harder, never tried harder to have faith. *as I type this Katy Perry is singing The One That Got Away on my mp3 player*

However that 3 days in Singkawang, he was there too and of course we didn't spend much time together (as now I know he was in the trial to avoid me, but it was hard he said... because I was such a stalker, you think?! lol) although I wanted to and I tried to avoid spending "quality time" with someone else who wanted it. Bizarre "like" triangle. Anyway, on our last afternoon there I went with two friends to the very far end of the beach (as seen from the hotel) where then we found beautiful humongous rocks. Under one of those rocks there was a Chinese altar, yes because Singkawang has great number of Chinese it is decorated with many Chinese ornaments you can see on most corner of the city. It was a long walk we took passing through some creeks on their way to the sea while the wild wind whirled around us embraced us in its cold arms. Reaching that far end was great but that was not the moment when I felt close to God, it was on our way back to the hotel.

The day was shutting down, the gradually-turned-to-dark curtain surrounded us swallowing the light making the wild wind gone wilder and I couldn't hear nothing but the wind itself. Both guys walked in front of me a little far in front of me when I stopped walking and watched towards the shore to the gray sky. I have no idea how long I paused letting nothing other than the sense of hearing and sight working. There was a gorgeous bliss, and at that moment I cared not nor thought about no one else. Life was whole one thing that I celebrated within me and with me alone. I reckoned later it was contentment I felt.

I went back to the hotel feeling so happy but after 2 days at the beach I couldn't blush more than the red face I had I guess it was called SUNSLAP. Good news was that last night before we headed back to our separated villages he spent some time with me. Oh on nights like that we just don't want to sleep eh.

Don't sleep away this night my baby

Please stay with me at least till dawn

It hurts to know another hour just gone by

and every minute is worthwhile 

Summary of my blubbering:

Your happiness is in your own hand, when you can be happy when you are alone that's the best one but it doesn't mean you can not share your happiness with others.

Alone and lonely are two different things.