exhausted

My sis moved in with me a week ago, she's an older sis but i always feel like i'm babysitting her. She now works in town, my bro in law business. but its not her that makes me exhausted i guess, it was more to this constant thoughts and the torturing flood. for once in my life i didnt know where to rest, that damn flood even made me sick, still am. The only ones who care then, my best friend Sony and cousin Tari. I didnt even tell my mom.

Btw i had a bad dream last night, my tooth was off!! my aunt said its a bad sign of death. Since it was an upper tooth it meant that death of someone older, o'oh.

This circle of uncertainty

I feel like life's been so funny, entertaining and uncertain, it's good enough. Hehe last saturday night it was quite awkward for me, i spent the night with a girlfriend there's a sense of reminiscence as we shared the latest news. She accompanied me having my dinner and treated me a drink as part of her guilt for forgetting my birthday [she shouldnt have], then on the way home i thought i needed a pen. So I went to find one, but appeared that most of the stationery shops were closed. Suddenly I realized i was a girl half craving for a pen on Saturday night hehe, it was funny but for a reason of course that i need it for writing. But what sucked was that it led me to meet someone i least expected. O'oh.....

the question popped out

It’s just a week ago when Kaspar and I chatted on his birthday and we discussed about being too young to get married, but in the end we asked each other to get a spouse. He said “get yourself a husband” and yesterday the question popped out of nowhere. Question of “will you marry me?” from somebody else, not Kaspar of course. But it must be one of his jokes, that I don’t understand the reason why he even asked that. Somehow then I remember about my cousin wish for my birthday that I wouldn’t make it to my single-till-2010 resolution and reminds me to Josh who said that falling in love is such a waste of time and body. LMAO

I told 2 girls about it, Ulfa because she was happened to be online at the same time and Nova because she sent me text message asking what I got for my birthday from beloved one. They both thought it was someone from the program, they mentioned different names but it wasn’t them girls… Ulfa gave me this loonng advice while I haven’t even thought about it, Nova asked why I didn’t just be with “the name she mentioned” and I simply said he didn’t like me. Like Maniac Street Preacher says your love alone is not enough.

Being this old, thanks Menur for emphasizing on this, I now know that the beautiful feeling is not when you love someone but when you’re loved. It was there but I didn’t realize that’s what I wanted and all I had to do was putting a little effort to divert the feeling I had for somebody towards this person. But I also can’t say I made a mistake, at some point there’s something Avril would say as “it’s so beautiful, it makes you wanna cry” moment.

"Innocence"
Waking up I see that everything is OK
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
[Chorus]
This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you nowAnd I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

[Chorus]
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

This innocence is brilliant
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

lil thought

I heard from my sister about a car which fell from the 6th floor of a mall in Jakarta and I thought Gosh, God kept on increasing the reasons of death while human kept on decreasing it. Kindda freaked the shit out of you eh? At least now we have something to grateful for, here we are, like John Mayer said “before the accident” being healthy and conscious about it. For me it’s always good to know the existence of the higher power.

Been wondering lately what the future holds…. My step mom talked about me getting married the other day and I said don’t worry it’d take time till then. But what was on my mind “will I ever?” I suppose Maya has put a little contribution on this thought. It’s not a blaming statement any at all, I mean before I always had a perfect picture of a family of my own, spend the rest of my life living in a quite place with my perfect picture of a man [just like one I met on the bus] but then maybe life is more than that. I wanna see the world, meet people, gain wisdom and knowledge. I want to have a little world in my heart before I die but also not regretting that I miss a thing.

I remember when we talked about life, Kaspar said life’s a canvas go ahead and choose my own color, at this very moment it’s still confusing. I don’t even know what I want, I never knew what I wanted until it’s in front of me and I like it that way I was born as spontaneous person than a planner. The same person said [although I don’t know whether he meant it] that I would go far in life, amin. Talking about what people said about me, Sarah said I had mischievous smile, I didn’t even know the meaning and still don’t know how to spell it and did I? My oh my.


Life’s a roller coaster, sometimes it moves so fast
We loose control of our self
Sometimes it’s quite slow
We can enjoy the ride and laugh
Let me see your mischievous smile
After your breathtaking sob
Coz after awhile you’d understand
How life is ever gonna be

"Communication"

Been so into this song of the cardigans beside "carnival" which always makes me sad everytime I hear it but cant get enough of it. Kindda believe this is what i feel =P



For 27 years I’ve been trying to believe and confide in
Different people I’ve found.
Some of them got closer then others
Some wouldn’t even bother and then you came around
I didn’t really know what to call you, you didn’t know me at all
But I was happy to explain.
I never really knew how to move you
So I tried to intrude through the little holes in your vanes
And I saw youBut that’s not an invitation
That’s all I getIf this is communication
I disconnect I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t knowHow to connect, so I disconnect
You always seem to know where to find me
and I’m still here behind youIn the corner of your eye.
I’ll never really learn how the love you
But I know that I love you through the hole in the sky.
Where I see you And that’s not an invitation
That’s all I getIf this is communicationI disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know youBut I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect
Well this is an invitation It’s not a thread
If you want communication
That’s what you getI’m talking and talking
But I don’t knowHow to connect
And I hold a record for being patient
With your kind of hesitation

the unsweated small stuff

My oh my I feel delirious lately, even Sony complained about me and giving the "dont sweat small stuff" advice. I had to say It couldnt work this time, this black cloud's still here going round round in my head, so annoying. But then some quite funny also happened to me:

1. About a week ago I had another accident caused by my cardigans, it was stucked on the bike's chain and i had to watch the cardigans was torn into pieces. My friend asked what kind of stupidity it was, I said it was misfortune come and help me. I was really lucky that lots of people helped me and that the car behind me didnt hit me. Good lucks in bad luck.

2. Finally finished the KKN paper, yeah after all its merely a paper saying that I have already did what the university ask all the students to do, work with the community. One case checked!

3. Still dont undestand the way some guys think. Weirded me out sometimes, just for an example - my ex boss asked me whether i have watched Spiderman 3 I said nope and he asked whether i would watched it on saturday night. I said no, I had to work and he thought i had a date. But actually because the idea for going out to the movie on saturday night with him freaked me out, why? Because he had wife, still has. What worse was he said, in front of many people hell yeah, that he wanted me to be his 2nd wife but i wanted to be the 3rd. Haha i knew it was a joke but still, it was kind of social homicide for me.

4. I think i havent put the hilarious taste in these posts. Maybe this would be one, so days ago me and my cousin, Tari went to eat Pempek [food from Palembang] and then came an old woman, i've seen her before, askin for money. What different from this woman was that she had this wide smile, everytime, which showed her toothless gums. She was so sweet. But then what was funny, according to Tari and giggled over it, that after Tari gave her some money she started to pray for us, but it was EATING PRAYER. Well it supposed to be a prayer for our soul or safety or something, but it was it, eating prayer. While its a prayer u do for yourself haha.

5. I'm quite addicted to McD's gourmet wrap but fasting at this very moment, thank god!! Should’ve done it long before.

6. Hell I want to go home, but this Saturday job just makes me cant. And I did bad thing by skipping my teaching class, I went to this seminar about Indonesia and Iran’s nuclear and after I hung out with Kartika, CWY 2006 participant. I ended up forgot things I had to do that day, the class and returning the book to the library. We had fun though, talking about boys. Hey I’ve talked about this before. Hehe

7. I want to talk to people I cant talk to, that’s funny, coz if I could talk to then I would mention coz I already am talking to them lol.

8. My birthday is coming, don’t even realize it’s May!!! A lot of things to do and start to be out of hand………………………. And my birthday wish is for some people to be with me, people who promised would come.

Intoxicating Evenings

I feel mean for saying this poem is for Menyur after I read it over and over again, but I think you should read it Nyurr...

Is he overjoyed by the intoxicating evenings?
That he forgets about the delicate future of theirs
The not-possible-to-be-whole-anymore tomorrows
When the eves could not be repeated, just rewind in memory
Silence will sing the lullaby of a lonely lover
who falls asleep with thousands promises
written not but within his heart, sincerely
which erased gradually by thousand nights
of evil thought that she could be with someone else

So judge me Nyur hehe I am quite ready for that =) hopefully i do some justice, if not complete justice.

Feel like a Santa Klaus today, got few souvenirs for people and i love the part of going to the post office to send the package for Aji. It was quite long time since the last time i went there. And I sang Mr. Postman.

Suppose to post a poem for Menur here, but i just forgot where i wrote it... Huh! Sorry nyurrr but it was such a poem that really reminded me of you in a he point of few. Oh so determinated to look for it!!!

moment of peace

I woke up this morning and felt i have to go campus to just looking for some reference for my thesis which i couldnt get yesterday. Quite confusing, it is. Hopefully I'll gradute next year, amin amin, so when Kaspar comes I can meet him without any burden load, not anymore. I just wanna breathe easily again. Last night i reread my last year journal and some parts were hilarious, they made me giggled. and now i remember when I could breathe so easily, forgetting the ridiculous thought about someone. It was when I was in Singkawang, on the last afternoon that we spent there, BP, Ahmad and I went to the far end of the Pasir Panjang beach and found this enourmous gigantic rock. On the way back to the hotel it was almost dusk and the scenery and the everything was gorgeous and for few moment without any sound of human I felt so peace. None ever could ruin my happiness at that moment, i was being careless about feeling and all. I wanna be just like that again....

in our shoes

This might sounds so mean although I never mean to, but basically human wants to feel comfort right? And sometimes we find it when we know someone somehow feels the same as we do. I just had a fun funny chat with Menur and knew quite by surprise she felt almost the same as I did. I can’t say that then I was happy because it’s not a situation everyone wants to be in, in fact I don’t believe anyone wants to be in. Complicated feeling of not knowing what you want and what’s best for you, not able to reach a space you want nor move to another one. But what’s good is that we’re both quite a good joker and laugh all the time about our common thing. Miss you girl, I meant it when I proposed you to live with me hehehe.

my friend's words: "you spend too much time thinking about life instead of just living" ah might be true, but i love thinking about it dude.

earth, Sky and sunprint

I tiptoe with my bare feet every now and then
Not because am afraid earth would suck me
I wanna see the world from different height
Then I drop myself to the ground, another different height
Face to face with Sky and scream
Here I am you can fall on me
…..nothing happen…..
I fall asleep and wake up with
The sunprint on me

our own Pursuit of Happyness

When I said to someone “you can only be happy when you learn to laugh at your self” it didn’t mean that you had to mock yourself. It occurs to all my senses that when you laugh about everything that happens to you, even bad luck, you’re potentially a happy person. Maybe in the beginning it’d be a cynical laugh but hopefully it’ll be a sincere laugh which brings all the bad feeling away.

It’s human to be upset and grumpy about unfortunate events, like mine, or Kaspar used to say to me “why are you such a bitch today?” as I got too emotional about everything. But how long will we mourn for the bad-because-it’s-unwanted scenario? Laugh and it’ll go away.
Anyway I liked when Kaspar said “why are you such a bitch today?” because then we’d talk and I ended up fine. One day we kept in silence because he said something offending, I complained to Sony and he did either. The next day we’re already back to normal talking in the living room and when Sony saw this he said “you’re both unbelievable”. Maybe because we’re both Gemini but why couldn’t I get along with the other one? Ehmmm

Wednesday, series of unfortunate events

All happened on the last Wednesday of April, just the other week, all these bad luck if I may say so. It was started by the University program that I’ve been working on, it supposed to be done by now but the bureaucracy tried to kill me with its ultimate weapon, sucks. Dealing with the answer that it hadn’t done yet I went to internet café to update my blog and chatted with a friend, but for me, it ended up to be a bad conversation maybe because I was, somehow-unconsciously, had black cloud on my head. Then I wanted to take some money from my bank card, for going home bus fare, but the at-university ATM was “temporary unavailable” so then I headed to the bank which quite far. On the way there I hit a car while I was wondering whether the road I was going to was a one-way. I was so distracted, my mind was somewhere else because it was a stupid accident, not suppose to happen. 2nd accident happened on the way to Balikpapan, me and my cousin, Tari ended up went home with her bro in law, and omigod the driver was a racer, literally. He made the car jumped like a frog, and I bumped on the door handle, it’s just a scratch but still…we almost died twice as we almost hit other vehicles. Serem!

3rd accident, after we arrived in Balikpapan me and Tari went to eat meat balls but on the way there Tari hit an angkot [read: public vehicle], this time I already felt so unlucky so I let her ride the motorcycle. Thank the dear Lord, alhamdulillah, nothing happened to the angkot so we didn’t have to pay huhu. And guess what soon after the thing’s over policemen passed, I said to Tari we were lucky in a bad luck.

My remedy then was The Feeling’s songs…..[Danny boy don’t be afraid shake that ass and misbehave] and some wild screams but I think I’m ok except for this bruise on my leg which I didn’t realize until hours after. Quite nasty.

Btw I came across this writing that I liked from Ryan Ross,

Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath,
This is why I walk to the ocean, swim with sharks and jellyfish.
I may never get this chance again.
This is why if you want to kiss you should kiss
If you want to cry you should cry and
If you want to live you should live
You don’t have to love me. You already did

Dear my own definition of beauty

Dear my own definition of beauty,


Let me whisper to you in silent, I dreamt of you last night and among the others it’s only you I saw. Even in the world of unconsciousness you mesmerized me, of how real this dream could be. Let me whisper to you in your sleep and let you dream of me, because this is the best way to tell you how I feel without being unrealistic or hurting you. You might not be the last one in this lifetime quest but you’re the one I treasure the most in the way you touch my soul. And dear if I had no courage to say this and you wonder, listen to me in a lonely night of yours and you’ll hear what I whisper to you in silent. There’s no word for it, not even love.

Pulau Kumala [Kumala Island]

What a small picture it is, but see the writting above me and my family "Pulau Kumala" which means Kumala Island. I'm promoting it since i think quite a lot people are interested in visiting me, or actually seeing me at least Sony and Herry do. Pulau Kumala is located in Tenggarong, Kutai Kertanegara, a regency near by Samarinda the capital of East Kalimantan province.

This island lies in the middle of Mahakam river, pretty interesting although not well managed yet. There are several games you can play, but sometimes it's underconstruction or something. My fave is the BomBom Car, the mini go cart, even last year i played 2 rounds with my sis and bro without being ashamed that most of the player was kids hehehe.

Other nice thing is the transportation you take to cross to this island, there are two options. 1. Kereta Gantung, what is it in english??? Hanging train??Haha.... i forget the name. then 2. By boats, which i love better but also i like the option #1 since i then can see my freaked out step mom hehehe. Anyway i'm planning to go to Pulau Kumala soon in the future with Belu and cousins so maybe i can tell what's new about it.

on the spot poem from Maya

met you on an august day
swimming in your silly coat and hat
and smile
knew I´d be blessed to have you as a friend
didnt know we´d end up sharing a bed
cigarette embers on dark nights
too many laughs
some tears
and some silences
we lived a lot of sunny days
but youre always in my mind
and my heart
when it rains

That was a poem from Maya but i think then she thought it wasnt enough so she sent another one to me. Both are lovely...

omi you'd be proud
i've removed a shroud
of uncertainty
that i can rhyme in poetry
i think i better understand
the inky movement of your hands
spill out strings of cheezy lines
to find some light and truth to shine
after so many days of sun
wishing for thunder
to ease the hum drum

the memories are still so clear
though i havent seen you in a year

The Carpenters

I grew up listening to this duo without being conscious about it and in last three years I got to love them even more [do I use correct words?]. Love love love their every song, even most sappy song like…

I know I need to be in love
I know I’m wasting so much time…

Their cynical song about love…

What do you get when you fall in love
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That’s what you get for all your trouble
I’ll never fall in love again

What do you get when you kiss a guy
You got enough germs to get pneumonia
After you do he’ll never call you
I’ll never fall in love again

Their love song that became such a memorable song and made Maya said if she heard it again back home she would be stunned, Top of the World.

Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear, it’s because
You are here, you’re the nearest thing
To heaven that I’ve seen

I’m on the top of the world, looking
Down on creation and the only
Explanation I can find is the love
That I found ever since you’ve been around
Your love’s put me at the top of the world

Aren’t I so old fashion or what, but funny how I lent their cd from the library along with Good Charlotte but Karen had a silent complain about the noise. Intinya, HIDUP CARPENTERS. Sipirili!!!!

My Belu

I finally got my own bike, not my very own but I can say my own until at least next 2 years. I call it Belu [Bebek Lucu] in account that it’s a motor bebek hehehe that’s how Indonesians call it. It was previously used by my sister, aha you can see from the scars it has. I think I’m a lousy driver but dunno why my sister had more incident than me. I have a future plan to bring Belu to places I’ve never been before such as Bontang. Just seen some pictures of Beras Basah from a photography exhibition and so interested in visiting it. Ayo!!!! But my Belu is one of the cause of global warming, why you consume fossil fuel Belu? Why?!!!!

Me on News

A week ago I was in the newspaper, still about the exchange program just like 2 years ago. My sister called me telling about that, then my step mom sent congratulation sms and at that time I didn’t know about the article yet. Then I bought it and soon realized it quite wasn’t right. It was written that I said the cities in Indonesia were messy, I didn’t say that although it was quite right but saying it in exchange program context was inappropriate. When I confirmed to the writer she said sorry and that the statement was a critic for the government, huh why then she used me!!!!

Delivering a baby

Babies and Pregnancy always amaze girls, or maybe only in Indonesia, but yeah all friends i know are soooo into babies, they're cute.

I thought none delivered a baby at home anymore until I heard my neighbor did. When I asked my aunty she said because it was cheaper.
I remember now that my host mom in Sontas delivered her 3rd child, Tiara at home too. Mom was a year older than me, sometimes it’s hard to call her mom, awkward.
It was a rainy night with lighting when Ella, mom’s sister [of course she was much younger than me], came into the room Maya and I were in. She had a serious face at that time and then she told me that mom was struggling downstairs to deliver the baby. Few times after, Ella went to check on mom and came back with the news that it was a baby girl. Maya was in disbelief, maybe because someone actually has delivered a baby in the she was in and all the struggling time we were upstairs waiting in silence.
It was January 3rd, exactly on Fernando’s birthday and we had a party for him. We went to the party quite soon after the baby arrived, went thru the rain. Did I wear my condom-look-alike raincoat? The party was more to a quiet party, no music no dance and as far as I can recall he got a weird birthday cake lol.

It’s been more than a year and I wonder how Tiara looks like now, maybe just like Ricci her older sister.